By Nathan Schmidt For freshman student Clarissa Gordon, it began in a flash of pain. Like so many other students at Fairfield University, she woke up on Sunday to realize not only that Daylight Savings Time had begun, but that the one-hour shift forward had caused her to miss an important morning class. “Oh, shit,” … Continue reading Daylight Savings Time Causes Students to Somehow Miss Class on Sunday
Category: Campus Life
Campus Ministry Sentences Atheist Student to Being Awkwardly Shunned by Catholic Peers
By Nathan Schmidt This week, Campus Ministry delivered a punishing sentence upon a student found guilty of atheism, condemning her to be awkwardly shunned by her Catholic peers. The student, Samantha Leon ‘22, was discovered to be atheist after one of her friends asked if she ever goes to Mass, whereupon she replied by revealing … Continue reading Campus Ministry Sentences Atheist Student to Being Awkwardly Shunned by Catholic Peers
Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House
By Nathan Schmidt Scandal embroiled Fairfield University this week when a pagan cult was discovered operating out of Dolan House. The venerable building, traditionally the home of the Murphy Center for Ignatian Spirituality, was found to be the operating site of a cabal of students and faculty performing bloody animal sacrifice and mystical polytheistic worship. … Continue reading Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House
Shelled Eggs, Chaos on the Menu at the Tully
By EEC Thomas, class of 2021, woke up feeling groggy before his 9:30 a.m. class on Monday morning, but when he arrived at the Tully Dining Hall for a quick bite, his eyes lit up and he knew it was going to be a great day. Why? Because at the “do-it-yourself” station, there were eggs. … Continue reading Shelled Eggs, Chaos on the Menu at the Tully
That Guy is Still in the Library
By Nathan Schmidt Students returning to Fairfield University for the spring semester were shocked to find that the mysterious guy from the end of last semester is still in the library. The middle-aged man, who has not spoken to anyone else in the library and seems oblivious to the existence of all other human beings, … Continue reading That Guy is Still in the Library
New Shipment of Lazy Students Arrives Just In Time to Crowd the Entire Library During Finals
By Villenueve With the onset of finals, the biannual stampede of students to the library is happening once again. While the library is all but empty for most of the semester until the middle of finals, there will be about 8 square inches of free surface area total on the library floor, due to the … Continue reading New Shipment of Lazy Students Arrives Just In Time to Crowd the Entire Library During Finals
Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages
By Nathan Schmidt An unidentified man has been sighted in Fairfield University’s DiMenna-Nyselius Library every day for at least one week straight. Students have reacted with a mix of consternation and bewilderment, since the man doesn’t seem to do anything, and since he’s there all the time without exception. The nameless visitor has been likened … Continue reading Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages
Freshman Makes It Known He’s Working Out by Grunting Loudly
By Nathan Schmidt A freshman student has perfected the art of grunting loudly during weight training to let everyone know he’s working out. Brett Igmalio ‘22, who is studying in the School of Business and proudly wears a bright yellow power tie with his tailored blazer at social functions, makes it vocally clear to all … Continue reading Freshman Makes It Known He’s Working Out by Grunting Loudly
Investigation Finds Tuition Goes Entirely to Lawn Maintenance
By Nathan Schmidt In a scandalous turn of events, an investigative report discovered that Fairfield University’s entire revenue from tuition during the 2017-18 academic year has been directed towards lawn care on campus. The reporter, who asked to remain anonymous but may be a particularly bored member of the Stagnation team, found the quietly unreleased … Continue reading Investigation Finds Tuition Goes Entirely to Lawn Maintenance
FU Opens Doors to Turkeys in Effort to Diversify Campus
By Andrew Schmidt Fairfield University is now accepting turkeys as students in an effort to increase campus diversity. President Nemec's office released an official statement this morning, stating, "Turkeys have long been an important part of our campus family. It is time for them to become students as well." The widespread consensus on this is confusion, … Continue reading FU Opens Doors to Turkeys in Effort to Diversify Campus
Stagnation 