By Nathan Schmidt Scandal embroiled Fairfield University this week when a pagan cult was discovered operating out of Dolan House. The venerable building, traditionally the home of the Murphy Center for Ignatian Spirituality, was found to be the operating site of a cabal of students and faculty performing bloody animal sacrifice and mystical polytheistic worship. … Continue reading Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House
Tag: Nathan Schmidt
Faculty Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Jesuit Institutions Didn’t Have Snow Days
By Nathan Schmidt This week, Fairfield professor Wilson Schumacher spoke out about an earlier, better era when Jesuit institutions were held to a higher work ethic. The lengthy tirade took place shortly after the recent cancellation of classes on March 4th due to snowfall throughout the night before. Schumacher, who is a full professor in … Continue reading Faculty Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Jesuit Institutions Didn’t Have Snow Days
FUSA Senate Passes Resolution to Purchase Sound Block for Gavel
By Nathan Schmidt This morning, the Fairfield University Student Association announced in a campus-wide email that its senate has passed a resolution to purchase a sound block for their single gavel. The resolution, which came after several meetings’ worth of debates and procedures, will enable the FUSA speaker to strike the ceremonial wooden mallet against … Continue reading FUSA Senate Passes Resolution to Purchase Sound Block for Gavel
Donnarumma Ranked Most Prison-Like Building on Campus
By Nathan Schmidt In this year’s annual survey by the Office of Residence Life, students selected Donnarumma Hall as the most prison-like of all the buildings on campus. The vote came in an overwhelming landslide, with 92 percent of participating students singling out the building for its patently oppressive and generally unpleasant design. “I’m simultaneously … Continue reading Donnarumma Ranked Most Prison-Like Building on Campus
That Guy is Still in the Library
By Nathan Schmidt Students returning to Fairfield University for the spring semester were shocked to find that the mysterious guy from the end of last semester is still in the library. The middle-aged man, who has not spoken to anyone else in the library and seems oblivious to the existence of all other human beings, … Continue reading That Guy is Still in the Library
Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages
By Nathan Schmidt An unidentified man has been sighted in Fairfield University’s DiMenna-Nyselius Library every day for at least one week straight. Students have reacted with a mix of consternation and bewilderment, since the man doesn’t seem to do anything, and since he’s there all the time without exception. The nameless visitor has been likened … Continue reading Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages
Stag Spirit Shop Begins Selling Vodka Blankets Alongside Real Blankets
By Nathan Schmidt This month, the Stag Spirit Shop will begin helping students with life on campus by selling vodka blankets along with the regular cloth blankets. As fall turns to winter and the temperature drops outside, the one-stop shop for many resident students always becomes a prime resource for items related to the cold. … Continue reading Stag Spirit Shop Begins Selling Vodka Blankets Alongside Real Blankets
Freshman Makes It Known He’s Working Out by Grunting Loudly
By Nathan Schmidt A freshman student has perfected the art of grunting loudly during weight training to let everyone know he’s working out. Brett Igmalio ‘22, who is studying in the School of Business and proudly wears a bright yellow power tie with his tailored blazer at social functions, makes it vocally clear to all … Continue reading Freshman Makes It Known He’s Working Out by Grunting Loudly
Business Major Cleverly Minors in Finance
By Nathan Schmidt Faculty members at Fairfield University were left scratching their heads in wonder as a business major made the never-before-seen decision to minor in finance. Theodore Tayne ‘21, who is currently pursuing his sophomore year of education in the School of Business, has diversified his academic résumé with an unexpected, finance-based twist that … Continue reading Business Major Cleverly Minors in Finance
Investigation Finds Tuition Goes Entirely to Lawn Maintenance
By Nathan Schmidt In a scandalous turn of events, an investigative report discovered that Fairfield University’s entire revenue from tuition during the 2017-18 academic year has been directed towards lawn care on campus. The reporter, who asked to remain anonymous but may be a particularly bored member of the Stagnation team, found the quietly unreleased … Continue reading Investigation Finds Tuition Goes Entirely to Lawn Maintenance
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