Fairfield University Claims that it is Actually Over-Reporting COVID-19 Cases

Pete Peterson Apparently, numbers do lie. Fairfield University has reported that 101 students on campus have tested positive for COVID-19 as of September 28th. There have been rumors floating around campus that the University is actually underreporting the number of cases in order to save face and continue to take students money, but administrators have … Continue reading Fairfield University Claims that it is Actually Over-Reporting COVID-19 Cases

DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Today, a new DPS officer stopped a food truck robbery involving two thieves dressed as Super Duper Weenie workers. His name? Robostag. “Stags up,” was all Robostag had to say as he slowly gave the stag signal with his metallic hands. Robostag walked into DPS, startling many except for the … Continue reading DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag

University Removes All Doors From Campus To Prevent Spread of Coronavirus

By Nathan Schmidt In light of rising cases of COVID-19 among students, Fairfield University officials have promoted safety by removing all doors from all buildings on campus. Since the virus spreads more easily in confined indoor spaces, it is thought that the new ventilation from the removed doors will make students safer no matter where … Continue reading University Removes All Doors From Campus To Prevent Spread of Coronavirus

DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

By Pete Peterson “You've gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”- Dirty Harry - DPS officers After a recent outbreak of COVID-19 cases among students on Fairfield University’s campus that no one could have possibly predicted, the University has taken extreme measures to enforce the safety guidelines they put … Continue reading DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

COVID-19 vs. 500 Years of Jesuit Tradition: What Will Stop Premarital Sex First?

By Marvin Irwin It is a battle as old as time. One that the Society of Jesus has struggled to finish for almost 500 years. And that conundrum is how to make these kids keep it in their pants. But before the Jesuits could deal the final death blow to the plague that is premarital … Continue reading COVID-19 vs. 500 Years of Jesuit Tradition: What Will Stop Premarital Sex First?

Fairfield University Announces It Will Join the SEC for the 2020-2021 Football Season

By Pete Peterson Fairfield, CT- After a contentious debate between students, athletes, the University, and God, Fairfield University has announced that it will in fact have a football season this year. With the MAAC canceling all sports due to the liberal Coronavirus hoax, the Stags will be heading ‘down under’ (the Mason-Dixon line) this season … Continue reading Fairfield University Announces It Will Join the SEC for the 2020-2021 Football Season

Fairfield University Gets Into USA Today

By Nathan Schmidt After the rocky start to the semester, Fairfield University has scored a major publicity win: We have been included in a USA Today article! The article, which went online yesterday, contained a genuinely thoughtful contribution from campus writers about the student body’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic. USA Today has accordingly given … Continue reading Fairfield University Gets Into USA Today