Professor Believes He’s President Nixon

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium During a lecture concerning the politics behind the Watergate scandal, Professor Bertrum Jarvis accidentally received a heavy blow to his head after slipping on a lecture flashcard. After receiving medical attention, Jarvis woke up giving a speech concerning how he was not a criminal, sporting an odd manner of speaking. As … Continue reading Professor Believes He’s President Nixon

FUSA Senate Overthrown by Dictatorship

By Nathan Schmidt The last FUSA Senate meeting, held just a week ago, may well go down as the last FUSA Senate meeting. What began as an ordinary evening of procedure and protocol ended in fire and zealotry, as the entire student government body was disbanded in favor of a one-man dictatorship. Nicholas Kyle Copenhagen … Continue reading FUSA Senate Overthrown by Dictatorship

Student Says “Yeah, I got Corona Virus” Referring to Beer, Causes Lockdown

By Mike Wishart While the world remains on edge with the spread of the deadly coronavirus, the Fairfield University campus remains on lockdown due to a student saying that they have “Corona Virus.” The panic on campus all started this past Saturday night at a townhouse party around 10:45 p.m. Overhearing a conversation two other … Continue reading Student Says “Yeah, I got Corona Virus” Referring to Beer, Causes Lockdown

Fairfield Archives Reveal When Regis, Loyola and Gonzaga Were Hot Spots on Campus

Who would’ve thought that there was once a time when Regis, Gonzaga and Loyola not only didn’t suck but also were considered the hot shit hangout spots for students. Far off were the days of old sticky carpets and floors, being outdone by buildings with air con and the occasional backflow in their communal bathrooms. … Continue reading Fairfield Archives Reveal When Regis, Loyola and Gonzaga Were Hot Spots on Campus

Fairfield-Themed Tully Food Infested by Stag Beetles

By Nathan Schmidt This week, the Tully dining hall was crawling with excitement as its Fairfield Signature Dinner came infested with stag beetles. The fearsome, pronged insects were found scuttling between the Salisbury steaks, wrestling over the roasted veggie platter, and posing for photos by the apple pie. But according to university officials, this terrifying … Continue reading Fairfield-Themed Tully Food Infested by Stag Beetles

Adult Sues Trix

By Pete Peterson “You wascally wabbit, Trix are for everyone!” This phrase may seem odd, but it is actually the new favorite protest of America’s newest political topic. Recently, the famed General Mills cereal Trix has come under fire for ageism as people began to fight back against what they claim is discrimination. One man … Continue reading Adult Sues Trix

Fairfield Archives Department Reveals that the Circle Outside Donnarumma Hall Is not a Pool

By Willoughby Humphrey I was in the doldrums of the basement of the library and looking through the old archives of this fine, Jesuit institution, which I must say is hard to access in the compact stacks as it is difficult for me to twist and spin the handles to wind it open. I think … Continue reading Fairfield Archives Department Reveals that the Circle Outside Donnarumma Hall Is not a Pool