By Akaky Akakievich I am writing again with some grave news, comrades. The FUSA Senate has issued a chilling statement that reminds me of home in all of the wrong ways. With a unanimous vote, the Senate agreed to enact an annual purge on all of the students at Fairfield University. On Thursday, October 31st, … Continue reading FUSA Senate Authorizes the Purge
Tag: lucas the stag
On Brand-New “Lucas Week,” All Students Must Dress as Campus Mascot
By Nathan Schmidt This week, campus officials announced an ambitious new plan to boost school spirit at Fairfield University by requiring all students to put on costumes of Lucas the Stag for one full week. The costumes, distributed by the Office of Residence Life, are designed to make every student literally be the mascot of … Continue reading On Brand-New “Lucas Week,” All Students Must Dress as Campus Mascot
Fairfield Prepares for 5th STAGiving Day with Venison Dinner
By Nathan Schmidt Yesterday, Fairfield University geared up the student body for its fifth annual STAGiving Day with a delicious roast venison dinner in the Tully. The Student STAGiving Dinner was held in preparation for the real STAGiving Day next week, a fledgling tradition where the Fairfield community is encouraged to give back to the … Continue reading Fairfield Prepares for 5th STAGiving Day with Venison Dinner
Prepocalypse: Fiery Stag Appears in Sky as Teenagers Flood Campus
By Nathan Schmidt The end was nigh this week. On Thursday afternoon, terror gripped Fairfield University when the floodgates of Hell opened on campus, sending forth a dark, fiery and monstrous manifestation of Lucas the Stag upon the horizon. The dark creature’s silhouette reared over North Benson Road, flames emanating from its unholy antlers, and … Continue reading Prepocalypse: Fiery Stag Appears in Sky as Teenagers Flood Campus
Barracuda Attacks Radioactive Stag
By Michael Atkins This week, a flying barracuda suddenly crashed onto the court of Donnarumma Hall, unable to understand the waterless world we call “land”. As it flew into the trees and and benches, desperately seeking an exit, a stag casually approached the area. Sensing possible hostility, the barracuda went straight for its torso and … Continue reading Barracuda Attacks Radioactive Stag
Writing Center Attendance Plummets After New Advertisement Terrifies Students
By Nathan Schmidt Over the past few weeks, the university’s Writing Center has suffered a major drop in attendance due to an attempt at advertisement gone disastrously awry. Posters have been put up around campus depicting a word search autocomplete, as on a phone, with answers that describe services offered by the Writing Center. While … Continue reading Writing Center Attendance Plummets After New Advertisement Terrifies Students
Lucas the Stag Excommunicated
By Nathan Schmidt Tragedy and scandal struck Fairfield University this week when its beloved mascot, Lucas the Stag, was excommunicated by the Vatican. The Jesuit university, which has long-held close ties to the Roman Catholic Church, has held Lucas as a lovable ideal of sportsmanship and loyalty, but an investigation by the Church revealed that … Continue reading Lucas the Stag Excommunicated
Stagnation 