By Nathan Schmidt
Tragedy and scandal struck Fairfield University this week when its beloved mascot, Lucas the Stag, was excommunicated by the Vatican. The Jesuit university, which has long-held close ties to the Roman Catholic Church, has held Lucas as a lovable ideal of sportsmanship and loyalty, but an investigation by the Church revealed that he has engaged in stubbornly heretical behavior and must be dealt with accordingly.
The announcement of the Church’s decision came in a public declaration from the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, which is responsible for defending against heresy in all its forms. They cited Lucas’ steadfast refusal to obey Catholic ideals in his support of university sports teams based on solely faith, as well as the idolatrous and unfaithful act of putting a cult statue of himself outside the Stag Store in the Barone Campus Center. Lucas has refused to change his behavior despite repeated warnings from local bishops, according to the public declaration, and excommunication is unfortunately the only remaining option.
Rev. Arnold Nelson from Campus Ministry responded to the declaration with dejected surrender, saying, “It’s really our fault. None of us at Fairfield realized that this issue was so important to the bishops of the Church. We all thought Lucas was just fun and games. Just a mascot, just a friendly stag on campus. But now he’s an icon of our shame. You could say Lucas still embodies the university, but no longer does he embody the part of it we want to see.”
Rev. Nelson then poured himself four fingers of whiskey from a bottle in his desk, and knocked them all back in one long draft.
In a follow-up message to the original declaration, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith confirmed that the excommunication on Lucas the Stag would continue even if someone new started wearing the stag costume at campus events.