By Nathan Schmidt Faculty members at Fairfield University were left scratching their heads in wonder as a business major made the never-before-seen decision to minor in finance. Theodore Tayne ‘21, who is currently pursuing his sophomore year of education in the School of Business, has diversified his academic résumé with an unexpected, finance-based twist that … Continue reading Business Major Cleverly Minors in Finance
Tag: college campus
FU Opens Doors to Turkeys in Effort to Diversify Campus
By Andrew Schmidt Fairfield University is now accepting turkeys as students in an effort to increase campus diversity. President Nemec's office released an official statement this morning, stating, "Turkeys have long been an important part of our campus family. It is time for them to become students as well." The widespread consensus on this is confusion, … Continue reading FU Opens Doors to Turkeys in Effort to Diversify Campus
Professor Questions Life After Student Takes Notes with Phone
By Nathan Schmidt English professor Tobias Falconet was left in a dizzying existential crisis today after a student in his class began taking notes on a smartphone. Dr. Falconet, whose courses all include a strict zero-tolerance policy against the use of “I-Phones, smart phones, and all similar items” in class, entered into his lecture for … Continue reading Professor Questions Life After Student Takes Notes with Phone
Writing Center Attendance Plummets After New Advertisement Terrifies Students
By Nathan Schmidt Over the past few weeks, the university’s Writing Center has suffered a major drop in attendance due to an attempt at advertisement gone disastrously awry. Posters have been put up around campus depicting a word search autocomplete, as on a phone, with answers that describe services offered by the Writing Center. While … Continue reading Writing Center Attendance Plummets After New Advertisement Terrifies Students
FUSA Elections Hacked by Russians
By Akaky Akakievich The game was rigged from the start. There was always talk of collusion, double counting, and unauthorized poster campaigns, but here at Stagnation we are here to produce the truth that it was in fact the Russians who hacked the FUSA election. The exact reason as to why the Russians wanted to … Continue reading FUSA Elections Hacked by Russians
Church Attendance Increases Tenfold on Weekend After Midterms
By Nathan Schmidt This past weekend, attendance of church services at the Egan Chapel on Fairfield campus increased to over ten times its usual number. As with such occasions as Christmas and Easter, numerous lay people who otherwise avoid church are compelled to attend during this span of time. But in this current case, the … Continue reading Church Attendance Increases Tenfold on Weekend After Midterms
B or F? Professor’s Totally Fucked Handwriting Sparks Campus-Wide Debate
By Ellie Conklin FAIRFIELD, CT — It’s been a stressful week for junior Andrew Courtney. After hours of pretending to study, while stopping intermittently to watch the World Series highlights and to take hits out of his Snoopy-shaped bong, he completed his twelve-page midterm exam in his 300-level English class, American Internet Poetry in the … Continue reading B or F? Professor’s Totally Fucked Handwriting Sparks Campus-Wide Debate
Fairfield Needs a Lettuce Club
By Trevor MacDonnell Lettuce? What is it good for? Absolutely everything. You can wear it as a hat. You can use it to wipe your ass. You can use it lure out guinea pigs. You can even, surprise, eat it. It is my opinion, as this is an opinion piece, that lettuce is worth its … Continue reading Fairfield Needs a Lettuce Club
University’s Construction Company Donates Abstract Outdoor Art from Scrap Metal
By Nathan Schmidt This fall, the many construction projects that have taken place on campus will be complemented by a new generation of art from construction by-products. Gilbane Building Company, which is currently engaged in constructing the new Dolan School of Business nearby the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, has pledged to use its unused metal scrap to … Continue reading University’s Construction Company Donates Abstract Outdoor Art from Scrap Metal
Lucas the Stag Excommunicated
By Nathan Schmidt Tragedy and scandal struck Fairfield University this week when its beloved mascot, Lucas the Stag, was excommunicated by the Vatican. The Jesuit university, which has long-held close ties to the Roman Catholic Church, has held Lucas as a lovable ideal of sportsmanship and loyalty, but an investigation by the Church revealed that … Continue reading Lucas the Stag Excommunicated
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