Church Attendance Increases Tenfold on Weekend After Midterms

By Nathan Schmidt

This past weekend, attendance of church services at the Egan Chapel on Fairfield campus increased to over ten times its usual number. As with such occasions as Christmas and Easter, numerous lay people who otherwise avoid church are compelled to attend during this span of time. But in this current case, the reason for the spike in attendance is the fact that midterm exams are all done and handed in.

“I’m not actually Catholic, or even Christian in general,” said Jonathan Polkhauser ‘21, who stopped for an interview with Stagnation after the 9:00 PM Mass. Polkhauser requested anonymity in this article, so he will henceforth be referred to as Ted. “Don’t tell anyone, but I’m not really into any religion at all. You know that saying, there are no atheists in foxholes? Well, there are no atheists during grading season either. You just watch the grenade flying towards you and hope it doesn’t land too close.”

Ted ‘21 continued, “You know, I heard there were more people here the weekend before midterms, too. But after is another story. The window for cramming is closed. Whatever’s handed in is handed in. At this point, our best option is to pray to the Virgin Mary or whoever else is listening, and hope the universe does us a solid.”

The vastly increased attendance affected not only the 9:00 PM service but also those at 11:00 AM and 5:00 PM. In each case, extra seating was provided for the anticipated increase, but students were still forced to stand in the back, in adjacent rooms, and eventually even spill outside the chapel building into the front plaza.

When asked for comment, Campus Ministry’s Rev. Arnold Nelson said, “All of God’s children are equal before him. I’ve been saying that all week to students who come to me fretting about grades. Although honestly, I think at least a few of these kids are well on their way to bad grades, so the real takeaway is that all God’s children are equally capable of earning an F.”

Church attendance at Fairfield is also expected to spike during finals season, when various students will complete their last work for critical courses and realize that they never understood the material.

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