FUSA Elections Hacked by Russians

By Akaky Akakievich

The game was rigged from the start. There was always talk of collusion, double counting, and unauthorized poster campaigns, but here at Stagnation we are here to produce the truth that it was in fact the Russians who hacked the FUSA election.

The exact reason as to why the Russians wanted to hack the election are unclear, given our school’s size and lack of strategic placement next to any nuclear power plants. But the fact-checkers and researchers behind our investigations team followed the paper trail to a series of emails found on the newly elected president’s private and admittedly hard to crack email address.

President-elect Ivan Petrovich, class of ‘22, was sending an email to a Russian operative named, “Мама” and said as follows, “… [something in Russian]…”. Our investigators were not able to crack the coded language and tricky scribbles that resemble letters they were using.

But as rapper Pusha T said, “The bigger question is how the Russians did it.” We asked around to a few of the senators as to how Petrovich could have possibly won. From one anonymous source, “he was charismatic, and has a few really well-thought out plans on how to get FUSA’s act together.” We looked up the word charismatic in a thesaurus and found that a similar word is “hypnotic”. Clearly the Rasputin-like witch was able to put a suggestive curse over the entire senate and get them to vote solely for him. The буржуазный отброс, I mean level-headed senators were unfortunately tricked.

There is nothing to be done now as FUSA elections are legally binding. But we will have to be more vigilant and skeptical to any Russians on campus and how they might trick us. My suggestion is to take them out from the inside, by signing up for their classes and attending their Russian club meeting every other Tuesday from 5:30-7 pm. Be careful out there Fairfield, and до свидания.

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