Fairfield Needs a Lettuce Club

By Trevor MacDonnell
Lettuce?  What is it good for? Absolutely everything.  You can wear it as a hat. You can use it to wipe your ass.  You can use it lure out guinea pigs. You can even, surprise, eat it.  It is my opinion, as this is an opinion piece, that lettuce is worth its weight in gold, which isn’t much since it’s not very dense, unlike Fairfield Prep kids.  Part two of my opinion is that we should start a lettuce club, dedicated to the love of lettuce and all its glory. The club will have the following:
The first and only rule is that no one talks about the lettuce club.  Second rule is that one must eat all of one’s’ lettuce with bunny ears on, there is no exception. The third rule is that each member must not use salad dressing while consuming said lettuce, unless it is being used as a fork or for cosmetic purposes.  Fourthly, anyone who fails to finish their lettuce will be here by banished from Fairfield, forever disgraced with a piece of lettuce stuck between their teeth. Finally, all participants must wear blue, not green, not yellow, not blue, but purple and purple alone. 
These rules must be followed to a T unless such a letter is not present in which case the rule is stricken from the record most hastily. With these rules comes great responsibility. It is key that each member talk about the lettuce club as much as possible, as word of mouth is the only way we can recruit new cult mem… er I mean club members.  Lastly, no vegans are allowed in the club as this is their area of expertise and this is amateur hour. Also they wouldn’t shut the fuck up about being a vegan, so that’d get annoying real quick.
With this I conclude the gospel of lettuce, and hope to see you at our first and only meeting, as our funding has already been taken away. So long, and happy lettuce.

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