The Legal Defense of Fairfield’s Oldest Offender

By Nathan Schmidt [This transcript has been obtained through a combination of public record and divination magic.] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, thank you for hearing me today. I come to you today not only as a lawyer, but as an ambassador of the human species. The facts of the case are not in … Continue reading The Legal Defense of Fairfield’s Oldest Offender

Fairfield University Announces It Will Join the SEC for the 2020-2021 Football Season

By Pete Peterson Fairfield, CT- After a contentious debate between students, athletes, the University, and God, Fairfield University has announced that it will in fact have a football season this year.  With the MAAC canceling all sports due to the liberal Coronavirus hoax, the Stags will be heading ‘down under’ (the Mason-Dixon line) this season … Continue reading Fairfield University Announces It Will Join the SEC for the 2020-2021 Football Season

Titus Andronicus on Ice Review

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium Before Fairfield University’s theatre crew could present the Shakespeare tragedy, Titus Andronicus, I was given access to another collaborative work with Webster Bank Arena. This work was being funded by the English department in an effort to be faithful and family friendly to the local community. This was, of course, reviewed … Continue reading Titus Andronicus on Ice Review

The Tragedy of Darth Binks the Wise

By Connor O’Rourke Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Binks the Wise? It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Binks was once a wise, yet despised evil mastermind whose foolish behaviour and dimwitted demeanour would lead you to think he wasn’t a Sith Lord. Binks was … Continue reading The Tragedy of Darth Binks the Wise

Professor Believes He’s President Nixon

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium  During a lecture concerning the politics behind the Watergate scandal, Professor Bertrum Jarvis accidentally received a heavy blow to his head after slipping on a lecture flashcard. After receiving medical attention, Jarvis woke up giving a speech concerning how he was not a criminal, sporting an odd manner of speaking. As … Continue reading Professor Believes He’s President Nixon

Adult Sues Trix

By Pete Peterson “You wascally wabbit, Trix are for everyone!”  This phrase may seem odd, but it is actually the new favorite protest of America’s newest political topic.  Recently, the famed General Mills cereal Trix has come under fire for ageism as people began to fight back against what they claim is discrimination.  One man … Continue reading Adult Sues Trix

Perpetrator of Recent Art Museum Break-Ins Found to Be Nicolas Cage

By Mike Wishart The Department of Public Safety and local law enforcement agencies have found the culprit of a string of recent break-ins to the Fairfield University Art Museum, and it is exactly who you would think it is.  Shortly after midnight on Monday morning, DPS officers were staking out around Bellarmine Hall in an … Continue reading Perpetrator of Recent Art Museum Break-Ins Found to Be Nicolas Cage

RIP, Juul: Now I Have to Go Back to Tide Pods

By the Guy in the Blue Scarf BREAKING NEWS! Juul is banned. Absolute pandemonium has set in all over campus. Students are seemingly breaking at the seams as the ban on Juul has triggered powerful withdrawal symptoms. They can be seen frantically scratching themselves to bone and many have reported debilitating chills.  Responses to the … Continue reading RIP, Juul: Now I Have to Go Back to Tide Pods

Student Reported Missing After Commanding Amazon Alexa to “Tell Bezos He’s a Bald Bitch”

By Pete Peterson A community is on edge after the disappearance of a student from Fairfield University.  The student, a junior communications major named Jonathan O’Conner, vanished sometime Friday night after 9:45pm.  According to his roommate, who asked to remain anonymous, said that he last saw O'Conner in their dorms before going out.  There were … Continue reading Student Reported Missing After Commanding Amazon Alexa to “Tell Bezos He’s a Bald Bitch”

Caddyshack Reboot Starring ONLY Shaquille O’Neal, “Caddy-Shaq” Begins Filming 

By Mike Wishart With Hollywood’s reboot fever far from cooling, Warner Brothers has just announced a re-imagining of the 1980 comedy classic Caddyshack set to hit theaters in summer 2020 starring Shaquille O’Neal with M. Night Shyamalan attached to direct.  “This is a project that’s very close to my heart, almost as close to my … Continue reading Caddyshack Reboot Starring ONLY Shaquille O’Neal, “Caddy-Shaq” Begins Filming