By Nathan Schmidt This week, a disastrous series of budget talks in the FUSA senate led to a complete shutdown of the student government. The shutdown came after a major partisan conflict between the Committee on Academic Support & Retention and the Committee on Diversity & Inclusion over the next budget plan. Following numerous failed … Continue reading FUSA Shuts Down Government
Fairfield University Holds Stag Racing Tournament
By Michael Atkins At 9:55 am, racers from around the campus stood at the starting line. We had June Garth and her stag Heresy from Jogues, though the multiple scrabbles made us realize she had trouble trying to write Hershey. From Campion, the fabulous Craig Buckets and his stag Swashbucketeer made an odd appearance with … Continue reading Fairfield University Holds Stag Racing Tournament
Coked Up White Boys Exposé
By Alexis Shepard Fairfield University is well known for its Dolan School of Business and all the students that get to receive a prestigious education about the tenants of a successful business. There are classes about accounting, marketing, business law and ethics, business administration, and many more. But the one skill that seems to be … Continue reading Coked Up White Boys Exposé
Local Student Achieves Nirvana After Learning He Doesn’t Have a Quiz
By Michael Atkins This week, a Chemistry major student suddenly lifted into the air and passed onto the next realm of existence. Michael Verde '21 was, according to witnesses, “absolutely losing his mind.” He had apparently started tearing his shirt off fabric by fabric as he howled in Irish gibberish. When he received a notification … Continue reading Local Student Achieves Nirvana After Learning He Doesn’t Have a Quiz
Daylight Savings Time Causes Students to Somehow Miss Class on Sunday
By Nathan Schmidt For freshman student Clarissa Gordon, it began in a flash of pain. Like so many other students at Fairfield University, she woke up on Sunday to realize not only that Daylight Savings Time had begun, but that the one-hour shift forward had caused her to miss an important morning class. “Oh, shit,” … Continue reading Daylight Savings Time Causes Students to Somehow Miss Class on Sunday
Campus Ministry Sentences Atheist Student to Being Awkwardly Shunned by Catholic Peers
By Nathan Schmidt This week, Campus Ministry delivered a punishing sentence upon a student found guilty of atheism, condemning her to be awkwardly shunned by her Catholic peers. The student, Samantha Leon ‘22, was discovered to be atheist after one of her friends asked if she ever goes to Mass, whereupon she replied by revealing … Continue reading Campus Ministry Sentences Atheist Student to Being Awkwardly Shunned by Catholic Peers
Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House
By Nathan Schmidt Scandal embroiled Fairfield University this week when a pagan cult was discovered operating out of Dolan House. The venerable building, traditionally the home of the Murphy Center for Ignatian Spirituality, was found to be the operating site of a cabal of students and faculty performing bloody animal sacrifice and mystical polytheistic worship. … Continue reading Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House
Faculty Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Jesuit Institutions Didn’t Have Snow Days
By Nathan Schmidt This week, Fairfield professor Wilson Schumacher spoke out about an earlier, better era when Jesuit institutions were held to a higher work ethic. The lengthy tirade took place shortly after the recent cancellation of classes on March 4th due to snowfall throughout the night before. Schumacher, who is a full professor in … Continue reading Faculty Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Jesuit Institutions Didn’t Have Snow Days
FUSA Senate Passes Resolution to Purchase Sound Block for Gavel
By Nathan Schmidt This morning, the Fairfield University Student Association announced in a campus-wide email that its senate has passed a resolution to purchase a sound block for their single gavel. The resolution, which came after several meetings’ worth of debates and procedures, will enable the FUSA speaker to strike the ceremonial wooden mallet against … Continue reading FUSA Senate Passes Resolution to Purchase Sound Block for Gavel
Stagnation Writers Stage Administrative Coup
By Brad Wilson At last week's Stagnation meeting, the four active members of Stagnation discussed the inactivity of our satirical newspaper. We also discussed staging a coup to overthrow the older e-board, which worked well because nobody on the older e-board was there. It was a very successful coup. We then agreed to abide to … Continue reading Stagnation Writers Stage Administrative Coup
Stagnation 