Breaking: The Tully Was Actually On Fire

By Katherine Klima FAIRFIELD, CT—The unthinkable happened when Fairfield University’s brand new cafeteria, the Tully, burnt to a crisp. “Normally we ignore the beeps,” said Doug Graves ‘21 in regards to the university’s consistent checks of the fire alarm. Fairfield University has always greatly cared about its students when it comes to fire safety. They … Continue reading Breaking: The Tully Was Actually On Fire

School-Wide Orgy Erupts When Condoms are Allowed on Campus

By Sam Millette After 75 long years of sexual tension amongst students, a massive school-wide orgy broke out when condoms began to be sold on campus. After being placed on the shelfs of the bookstore, all condom boxes were sold within minutes, much to the university’s surprise. This was closely followed by the massive orgy … Continue reading School-Wide Orgy Erupts When Condoms are Allowed on Campus

Fairfield Tops Diversity Rating

By Bill Sundae Jr. Fairfield University raised the standard for diversity once again, setting an example for all U.S. colleges to follow. Colleges Now, an academic journal that investigates college diversity across the nation, reported in its most recent issue that Fairfield University broke records for admitting a high volume of students from parts of … Continue reading Fairfield Tops Diversity Rating

Breaking: Basketball Player Attends Class

By Amy Beth Multiple reports confirm that Jimmy Morrison, the star basketball player of the Fairfield Stags Men’s Division 1 team, attended English 101 in Canisius today at 11 a.m. One student could not believe how tall he was in real life. “I have only seen him on the court when I am in the … Continue reading Breaking: Basketball Player Attends Class

Crime Feat: Week of 1/29

Tuesday, 1/30 5:39 p.m.—The Boy Who Cried Wolf, Fairfield Edition: The Fire Department took its sweet-ass time getting to campus when The Tully truly, finally, actually set on fire. Friday, 2/2 3:06 a.m.—Public Safety was notified when two roommates in Jogues Hall got into a fight in the bathroom. When Public Safety officers arrived on … Continue reading Crime Feat: Week of 1/29

Nursing Students Investigate Cause of Death of Five Turkeys

By Emma Unterkoefler Upon returning to campus on January 15, parents and students alike were startled by the turkeys laying on the pathways. Later reports confirmed a total of five turkeys died in a series of three days. The cause of death is currently being investigated by nursing students. It began when a first-year nursing … Continue reading Nursing Students Investigate Cause of Death of Five Turkeys

Pelosi to Schumer: “Don’t Worry, I Put Glue on their Seats.”

By Zachary Quinones On the evening of the State of the Union address to congress, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), had decided to do something dastardly: put glue on the seats of her fellow Democrats. The sticky compound was one that Senator Sanders had stayed up all night crafting in his cauldron, which explains why … Continue reading Pelosi to Schumer: “Don’t Worry, I Put Glue on their Seats.”

Area Man Continues to Wear Shorts Well into Winter to Affirm His Fragile Masculinity

By Ellie Conklin FAIRFIELD, CT — For Nick McKenzie, 19, the possibility of six more weeks of winter means nothing. The college sophomore continues to compete for an award that no one else is trying to win. McKenzie has been wearing the same pair of sweaty Reebok gym shorts for 28 weeks now, stopping only … Continue reading Area Man Continues to Wear Shorts Well into Winter to Affirm His Fragile Masculinity

Open Season on Prep Students

By Sabina Dirienzo The Fairfield University Student Association (FUSA) announced today that open season has begun on students attending Fairfield Preparatory. The University's athletic teams have begun their organized hunting parties of prep students, with Fairfield Lacrosse being the first to bag a student. "He was only a freshman, though," said Fairfield lacrosse captain Jack … Continue reading Open Season on Prep Students