Naive Commuting Student Horrified by Stories of Residence Hall Life

By Nathan Schmidt

A naive, wide-eyed commuting student was utterly horrified this week after hearing about the realities faced by those living in the residence halls. Sean Wimbledon ‘22, a freshman whose deepest taste of Fairfield University is the required events on campus for First Year Experience, listened in a mix of wondering awe and nauseating terror as a fellow peer calmly explained the abject insanity he was missing out on by returning to his apartment in Bridgeport instead of living every night and day at the university.

“It’s not that big a deal,” said Sarah Brazzer ‘21, a sophomore currently living in Gonzaga Hall, who bears her experiences with the same grim resignation of all resident students. “These kinds of things just happen on campus. Sometimes someone gets arrested, like that girl who tried to strangle her roommate, or that guy who got caught urinating on that lady’s lawn. But usually it’s a lot more humdrum, like people getting shitfaced and transported, or little things, like that paper towel dispenser that’s been on the floor of the bathroom forever. I guess that outbreak of syphilis in Regis was pretty interesting. But you get used to it after a while.”

“Everyone has heard of the ear-biting story,” she added impatiently, after being asked about the relevant altercation that once took place between two Fairfield students.

After his enlightening conversation, Wimbledon was left to walk aimlessly around the quadrangle, gazing at the dull brown-gray brick buildings with a newfound sense of cynical perspective.

“Of all the buildings around here, I only ever really go into Canisius and Donnarumma,” explained the nineteen-year-old student, who carries a large backpack everywhere he goes on campus. “I never realized what kinds of crazy stuff happens in the rest of them. It really makes you wonder what else you’re failing to notice in plain sight.”

Sean ended the conversation by turning around and heading to his next class in Canisius, sending him past a trio of resident freshmen who were pointing and giggling at the iconic bronze stag statue’s anatomically accurate genitalia.


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