By Trevor MacDonnell
Fairfield is a proud Jesuit campus and always has been. Our Christian values is what drives the heart and core of this school. We have our buildings named after saints, multiple masses held throughout the day, and even feasts on holy days. Dating back all the way to the 1400’s to the Puritans who founded this great nation, there has been a strict Catholic policy in this country. One of these is that there can be no form of heresy in the slightest degree.
It is for this reason I am proud to announce that Fairfield University has successfully killed a witch.
Masquerading as a “chemistry major,” which we all know is code for the dark magic, this female student was burned at the stake on the quad last Sunday, the holiest of days. Her last words, screamed as the fire consumed her, were “All I said was acid base reactions lead to a salt.”
What she didn’t seem to know was that blasphemy leads to ashes. This witch-burning was well-received among the Jesuit population on campus.
“It’s about time someone took a stand against this so called ‘science’ nonsense everyone keep talking about,” said one Fairfield Priest.
Indeed this science thing has gone on long enough, along with this “educated female” nonsense. There’s no room for it in the bible with all the flying dragons and talking bushes taking up space.
Much of the faculty looked positively towards this removal of a troublesome student, while the majority of the white frat boy population didn’t even take notice.
“Oh that’s what those flames were? I thought it was just a Prep kid getting napalmed as a prank” said one vineyard vine, Smirnoff drinking student.
The parents were instructed to pick up their child and transport the ashes in holy water back to their church to be disposed of properly by their priest. According to the ancient text, the ashes must be sealed in a box with a cross placed inside, blessed by the pope, roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, deep fried in vegetable oil and lightly seasoned, before finally be dumped in a well on an old Massachusetts farm.
President Nemec could not be reached for comment, but we presume he was satisfied with how the witch incident was handled.