BREAKING: Dakota Needs Therapy Human

By Nathan Schmidt

Fairfield University’s emotional support dog Dakota, located in Canisius Hall, has begun seeking treatment from a qualified therapy human after being burned out by the constant despair of her student visitors. Dakota, who has served the needs of students at the university since 2015, has finally been pushed to a breaking point of her own.

“I just don’t know what they expect me to do for them,” communicated Dakota via her professional interpreter, Cassie Lujo. “I’m only one being, a lost soul awash in a tempestuous sea of consternation and aggravation. How can these people lay their troubles upon me so thoughtlessly? Can’t I live my own life in peace? Will it ever end, and how? All questions asked to a blank wall, words echoing in the dark.”

Finding a therapy human has proven to be a remarkable challenge. Very few humans have demonstrated the ability to keep Dakota company without eventually using her presence to meet their own emotional needs. Furthermore, her budget for hiring a therapy human is entirely in the form of dog treats, and in a stunning example of oversight by the university, Dakota has not been given a health insurance policy. These stark facts have left her wondering who, if anyone, will give her a much-needed break.

After the interview, an anonymous freshman wandered into the room and began sobbing wordlessly while hugging Dakota’s side, leaving her to stare pitifully at the interviewers as they tiptoed away from the encounter.

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