Student Coming From the Gym Sweats on Another Student During Mandatory Group-Work

By Alyssa Vigorito

Despite having enough time to shower between his two-hour gym session and his lecture, Josh McCarthy ‘19 attended class without so much as wiping his face with the back of his hand. His negligence led him to sweat on classmate Ron Bartlett ‘21 after they were paired together to complete assigned group-work in their History 10 lecture earlier this morning.

According to several reports, McCarthy’s perspiration rate was unparalleled. Though he rolled up his sleeves, fanned himself, and wiped his face with the hem of his t-shirt, he was unable to sweat on anything or anyone other than Bartlett.

“I was sitting by an open window and thought that it was just raining really hard,” said Bartlett. “So I looked outside, but the sky was clear. Then I looked over at Josh and he was just sweating all over me.”

Stagnation reporters reached out to McCarthy for a comment, to which he replied: “I won’t apologize for partaking in arm day.” McCarthy refused further comment.

Although he doesn’t seem apologetic for sweating all over his classmate, McCarthy did try to make amends with the saturated Bartlett by offering him an undisclosed amount of protein powder.

Two Public Safety officers arrived at the scene at 11:20 a.m. Sources say that Public Safety Officer Joe Porter slipped on McCarthy’s sweat and remained on the floor in a corpse position while Officer Dwight Mariano investigated the scene.

“I bagged some sweat as evidence in what I’m officially declaring an ongoing investigation,” said Mariano. “We got like 15, maybe 20 ziploc one-gallon bags full of this guy’s sweat. I realized later on that we didn’t need that many bags, so the other officers and I are gonna use them as water balloons this weekend, I think.”

The incident is still under investigation.

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